True Confessions: Fear of Dark

I’m home alone for a couple days. I behave strangely when left home alone.

For one thing, I eat all my guilty pleasure foods. (Tim, stop reading here.) I stop cooking when there’s no one besides me eating.  I don’t think I like whatever this says about me, but so be it. I made a Whole Foods run tonight and bought pre-made gnocchi, couscous in a box, cheese for a snack, tofu, and a couple things for a basic crock pot meal. Oh, and 2% milk, my childhood percentage. I guess the health content of this list doesn’t scream “guilty pleasures” but as someone who prides herself on cooking from scratch, getting so much prepared food feels sneaky. I did tear myself away from buying a party-size bag of chips. And takeout is sounding strangely alluring…

I become incredibly efficient and clean. Getting the apartment in order suddenly seems of the utmost importance. After that’s taken care of, I start DOING things.  Today I read a chapter in a book over coffee in the morning (normally I read at night before bed). Then I went to church earlier than normal, knowing I had to work in the afternoon. I worked on a copyediting project for four hours this afternoon— unheard of for me on a weekend. Then I got dressed up nice and went to a birthday party (Happy birthday, Jen!). Afterward I enjoyed driving through Boston in the dark and the rain, made the Whole Foods expedition, and came home.

I stay up much later. And eat much later.  I’m eating dinner (the gnocchi) right now (10:04PM). I guess my schedule gets all weird in part because there’s no one else involved, regulating it… but part of it is that I hate— hate— sleeping in the apartment alone.  (It’s not just this apartment. In the last one I would barricade the bedroom door from inside when Tim was out of town. In my first-ever apartment I slept with a baseball bat. It was my real baseball bat, too, not a prop.)  When by myself, I have an irrational fear of any small night noise (regrettably, our old building makes plenty) and an unlimited imagination for contriving perilous emergencies.

I could stay with friends, but I’m determined to try and outgrow the fear of the dark.  Wish me luck! I have to go double-check all the locks now.


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